two nights ago i had a dream that i had a baby. i dreamed of the whole process--feeling the baby kick, labor, and breastfeeding after the baby was born. it was kind of bizarre, and has made me think about this issue a little more than usual.
patrick & i have been married for almost 3 years now so of course people (and we) are asking the question of when kids are going to come into the picture. we always said that we would start trying for a baby once we had reached the 3 years of marriage mark. now as it is looming up on us we are re-thinking it a little. (patrick has said the rule now is at 3 years we will start "talking" about when we want to start trying).
i'm going to be totally honest here even though i will sound (ok, i am being...)completely and totally selfish. i love the life that we have right now. we have been so blessed, maybe to a fault. we are so comfortable....to the point of laziness i would say. i know that ultimately, when it's time, it will be the most amazing thing in the world to have a family, but right now i can't concentrate on anything but what we will be giving up. i love that when i leave work at night i don't have to do anything. i work around the house a little, but i don't have children to feed or care for (all butch wants is some table scraps and cuddles). i can sit and watch tv or read magazines or books or listen to music, or go to bed really early. i worked my butt off through college and didn't have any spare moments to myself and now i just love having this! patrick and i have our own things that we do together and apart, and we enjoy the freedom of our schedule. there is nothing that makes me happier than a weekend with no plans. i can be productive or absolutely lazy and it doesn't really matter!
honestly, i never really relished this type of life until i got sick in '07. until that point i would constantly be doing...just anything. i could not sit and relax at all but was always looking for something else to occupy myself, and though i know i needed to learn the value of letting my body rest, i think i have taken it too far! then again, i am still struggling w/the cfs/fibro and it's effects when i do too much. i had a really scary realization two sunday's ago. i had had a good weekend and hadn't done too much but for some reason i could not fall asleep. i tossed and turned until 3 am, then slept restlessly until 5 when i woke up again, and i have never been in so much physical pain in my life. my cfs & fibro flared up f/m the lack of sleep and i couldn't move. it was so bad that the pressure from my pajamas hurt. i took a handful of pills and fell asleep until 2 the next afternoon. but then i thought, if my body reacts like this to one night of little sleep, how can i possibly care for a newborn baby and the nighttime feedings and all of that? it's just a strange place to be emotionally. i feel like i'm torn. i truly believe that my purpose in life is to be a mom, but i'm scared of these physical limitations, and of giving up my selfishness! and i think patrick will have an even more difficult time dealing with the changes and demands than i have. i honestly worry about how it will effect our relationship b/c i have traditionally been the person to do thinks around our household. i know that he will be a great father, but he is so stuck in his routine!
in addition to all of this, i have come up with a list of things that i need to do before we start actively trying for a baby (of course, if God decides that it's time before we are "ready" then obviously he knows best...)
and here they are in no particular order:
- organize and clear out the "craft room"/patrick's extra office. this room is absolutley out of control--it's pretty much our dumping ground, but of course it is the room that will be a nursery when we have a child. i just want to get rid of most of the junk!
- get in shape physicially. i am working on this but have been extra lazy this last week. i've lost 10 pounds so far, but have a good deal more to go before i'm really satisfied. i feel that if i can't do it now when i have all this time to focus on me, i'm pretty much screwed after kids! also, i'm hoping that getting more physically active and healthy will also help with my medical issues as well, and will help me to handle the demands that children will bring.
-get caught up on my scrapbooks! i am working on the summer before college right now--still 7 years behind! i know that once we have kids that will be what i want to focus on whenever i get the chance, so i better get to work!
- clear out the clutter in our house. we are packrats and have WAY too much junk and things that we don't need anymore. i want to get down to what we actually use, and a few things to keep for sentimental reasons.
- find a good church home. we have had some hardship in this area in the last few years and i really want that community! i have had great fellowship over the years with wonderful ladies in my bible studies, but as my last college group is graduating and moving on, it's time to move on and find our own place!
- figure out what we are going to do with our jobs/finances. we're in good shape right now, but i really want to be able to stay at home once we have kids. i don't know if that means taking a position just a few days a week somewhere, or trying to find something that i can do from home, or just quitting all together, but i don't want to put too much pressure on patrick and i know that we will have to go through a lifestyle change in order to live on one income rather than two that were fairly matched.
okay, so that's where i am on the mom stuff. it's just a bundle of crazy right now. but i know that God is in control, and really none of this silly stuff matters. in his timing and way it will happen.