old lady feet

well, this will be kinda a downer post, but this is my blog so i'm allowed to whine! you've been warned. (oh, and there are feet pictures--eep!)

Today I went to the podiatrist for an extra extended visit for my plantar fasciitis. It was a pretty good experience overall, except I made the excruciatingly painful decision to go ahead and get a cortisone injection into my left foot. After all the pain I went through w/the right foot, I did eventually notice a difference and was actually able to walk on it with out pain. I figured that two days of crippling pain were a fair trade off for a few weeks of much less pain. I thought maybe that the injection with this doctor would be a little less painful since she specializes in this...but no. At least I was mostly prepared.

Other than the injection we did xrays of my feet which confirmed what I already knew (it's plantar fasciitis--woohoo!) and also showed that I have a bit of a heel spur...but that isn't the source of my pain she said. We talked about inserts and stretches...and then she fixed me up with these babies....

I call them my "foot corsets" sexy huh?

Bascially it's a few layers of ace bandages with a strap to hold it in place between my toes and pads that sit in my arches. I wear them every day, all day (except in the shower)...each set should last a week and they gave me two sets--enough to last me until my next visit in feb. 1st.

at least butch doesn't think i'm a loser!

Upon leaving the office I noticed that everyone else there was in the octogenerian age range...am I really just 25? I had to go to work afterwards and was hobbling around any time that I had to walk. One of my co-workers has a crutch right now due to a knee injury and I was threatening to steal it. Then, to make matters worse my lower back strarted throbbing and I was getting shooting pains up and down my legs. Great. Looks like a fibro flare up in the midst of all this! Well, I'm sitting in my chair with my massage and heating pads on contemplating a very early bed time. meh. Okay...time to pull myself out of this funk b/c we all know that it could be much worse! Forgive my selfishness...

On a positive note, I made a key lime pie for one of the doctors' birthday today. I was really nervous b/c we always get his birthday pie from Red Lobster and it is his favorite. I love my key lime pie recipe, but I haven't tried the Red Lobster one so I didn't know how they would compare, and he had made a comment about how some key lime pies were too heavy and some were just glorified whipped cream...Well, he loved it so much he had extra (and this doc never gets seconds of dessert!) and he came and asked for my recipe! I felt very special and happy to make that for him :)

Now I guess I need to pry myself off this chair and get some orders baked for later this week. Just pray for me to have patience and a positive attitude in all this. I'm kinda bummed. It just gets me down that all my "conditions" are chronic/lifetime conditions and have no more than symptomatic treatment. Okay. I know. It could be much worse. Thanks for listening (reading?) anyway!

a productive week/weekend

it has been a super busy week for sure--and i have been baking like crazy! going in to the week i knew that i had a pie order to make on tuesday night, and then a pot luck on friday to make stuff for too, as well as cake class and a cheesecake order for the weekend. on monday one of my dear co-workers called me and asked if i could do a last minute order for a strawberry cake for her sister's birthday. of course i said yes! and i think it turned out pretty well! i made it from scratch of course and made the cream-cheese strawberry icing, but all the strawberry puree made the icing more of a glaze consistency. i kept adding more and more powdered sugar to try to get it to thicken up, but it was NOT happening! i ended up using about 1 1/2 bags!! i finally just decided to do thinner "dirty icing" type coatings (to quote the cake boss) and then let them harden in between. then i did some extra on the top and let it drip a little down the sides. yum.

another co-worker ordered a fudge pie & lemon meringue pie for her mom's birthday, and they were also a hit! so much so that she has put in pre-orders for thanksgiving and christmas!!!

i was kinda worn out by mid-week and decided to skip my final cake class and have a night free of baking. i was kinda bummed to miss it, but decided that i could probably pick up the stuff we learned from looking at the book. also, the next night was my mom's birthday and we were thinking of doing something (but ended up not). i used my extra time on thursday night to get some grocery shopping and make my food for the pot luck--a baked chicken alfredo pasta, and tiramisu! the tiramisu was pretty easy to make actually and turned out okay, but if i make it again i will just brush the espresso onto the ladyfingers rather than dunking them as my recipe instructed, b/c they got too soggy. this is not my kind of dessert b/c i don't like coffee, but it was fun to make!

then today i made my banana cake for my first Tuesdays with Dorie challenge (will post on Tuesady) and a pumpkin cheesecake for another order. i had some extra cheesecake batter so i poured a little into custard cups so i could have some too and it is so so so yummy! it's good for me that i am sending most of my goodies to other people, but sometimes i just want them to stay! ;)

baby pumpkin cheesecakes

butchy longingly watching me whip up deliciousness!

i had to work extra this week for our month end close-down so i didn't get the normal time off that i have on fridays, but i still got a LOT done. i finally switched out my bookcases so i would have more room for my cookbooks (i am, for the moment at least, organizing them by author/company. that may change eventually) i also deep-cleaned the kitchen, and worked hard on the floors in our formal living room...the cleaner we had used in there has left a coating that for some reason has practically glued the fur butch has shed to the floor, so i am pretty much having to scrub it off...it's very time consuming and tiring. after over an hour, i had only got about one square foot of the floor done! i'm going to have to spread this over several weekends.

i know what you're thinking...this girl is supposed to have chronic fatigue syndrome and fibormyalgia, right? exactly. but i was shocked to wake up fairly early this morning--and not in any pain!! (i did hurt some last night though...and of course woke up at noon the day before...) now, i don't want to get over-excited or make things out to be more than they are, but i think that maybe my hormone implant may be kicking in...i really have felt very energized all day, and also awake..and have been sleeping a little better without my meds, so maybe?? i still have to be careful not to overdo it, but i'm hopeful. it's also kinda scary though. hubs & i were talking about it today, and while i obviously want my health to improve, i have been living with this illness for the past 2 years and have gotten used to a different pace of life (for the most part). i am scared that i may not ever be completely like i was before i got sick, and if i do start to improve will i know how to pace myself and find a good balance? i'm also scared of people's expectations. i like that i have learned to rest and not be "doing" all the time and i don't want to forget that. i don't know...it's overwhelming, but exciting at the same time. stay tuned!

musings from a doctor's office

switching from briefs to boxer shorts will not cause medical problems

your pediatrician will not harvest and sell your child's organs (we don't keep surgical tools in the office even if he wanted to), so there is no need to threaten to sue us

if your insurance is not active, you are considered a self pay patient regardless of how long you've been going here.

if you are old enough to contract an STD, you are old enough to see an adult doctor--not a pediatrician

if you have a child of your own, you are old enough to see an adult doctor

"i've given you enough money already this year" is not a valid reason not to pay your bill

ode to sunburn

itchy scratchy
peely backy
makes sarah
feel very crabby
:(

limits

today was kinda hard. last night i was feeling really bad--nothing huge, just my body being worn down at the end of a busy week (sad that for me a 'busy week" is working 4 full days and being slightly active at night.) Well, i took some of my nighttime tylenol cough & sore throat meds ("blue medicine" as i lovingly refer to it)...and i didn't wake up until 12:30 this afternoon! i felt a little discouraged to have slept most of the day away, but i guess my body needed it. then at 2 i had to go see my doctor for a routine follow up visit for my cfs. i LOVE my doctor--he is very personable and takes time to relate to you and answer questions that you have. working in a medical office, i know that this is a rare and valuable trait in a doc! we talked about how i've been doing...the past few weeks have been rough, and he gave me the slightly disappointing news that he thinks i'm "about where [i'm] going to be in terms of [my] progress" in other words...he doesn't expect me to improve more than I have thus far. i do pretty well compared to a lot of people with this condition. i mean, i can keep a steady job and maintain a pretty active lifestyle, but i am always worn out and in pain by the end of the week. i definitely do better when i am exercising regularly and eating well, so i guess that just has to be even more of a focus now.

then we talked about children. as you all know, patrick & i have been discussing the prospect of having kids, so i wanted to get my doc's opinion on the whole topic. the good news: he doesn't think that my stomach scar is going to be an issue. he said that it will probably move up, and after i have a baby that i won't like it b/c when it stretches it will not go back down, but it shouldn't be too much of a discomfort or anything like that. the not so good news: basically he just told me what i already figured, but he thinks that it is not realistic for me to try to work and raise a child, and he insinuated that we may not need to have more than one. as a parent, he was definitely encouraging me not to deprive myself of the joy of having a child, but he wants me to be very careful and realistic and "remove as many possible external stressors in [my] life as possible before trying to have a baby" i.e.: i shouldn't expect to work and parent and still be able to function.

patrick and i talked about the whole thing tonight before he went to film a game and we're just trying to realisticly figure out what to do. for sure we aren't going to actively try to get preganant for at least another year, probably longer. financially we're going to continue to try to cut back and put more towards the house so that we can decrease that financial stress as much as possible. then i'm going to try to look into ways to work part time or from home or something to help when it comes to that time. then he said the hardest thing--we may just be able to have one child. ultimately, we will be thankful for whatever God gives us--even if we end up only being able to have bulldogs ;)--but that thought just breaks my heart. i mean, we already have names picked out for a boy and a girl...but again, it's in God's hands.

i am consistently reminded of a time in our pre-marital counseling with Richard Carwile when we were talking about the future. i was telling him how our plans were to start having kids at about 3 years into our marriage, and then to have 3 kids, each 3 years apart. i thought it was just a very basic simple plan and he kinda smirked and made a comment about how plans don't always work out. i thought "why wouldn't this work out--that's very realistic?" well, as they always say, God's plans are different than our own, no matter how much it makes sense to us. prayerfully, we will use this change in our plans for the future to give glory to God, and to put our trust in Him rather than ourselves.

i just want to scream!!!! i am sick again. it seems unending. started with a cfs flare up after too much yard work on saturday and not enough sleep. then a stupid stomach virus. i keep thinking that i feel better and then try to eat a little and then feel awful again. i've missed two days of work and am dreading the pile up that is sure to have accumulated. i'm going back tomorrow regardless b/c i'm going crazy from being in this house! i just get so discouraged when this happens. i have all these things that i want to do and accomplish and i feel stuck--trapped b/c of this stupid broken body.

i have been in a weird funk for the past few weeks, but i'm not sure why...some of it has to do with my inconsistency with taking my pills over the weekends i'm sure. i don't like to be dependent on them. bah.

after that night when i freaked out and subscribed to all those magazines i have been working hared at not spending money. i didn't go to any store but the grocery for a few weeks, and this week i ventured out to my mecca--the consignment shops on broadway and the bypass, and tjmaxx...but i am so proud of myself! at grandma's attic (where i dropped off 4 boxes of stuff to sell) i got a lovely little teapot, but i had $1.75 on my account from sales and then the owner gave it to me for half price anyway, so it was practically free! then at the clothes lion i bought nothing, and was paid $5 for my consignments! at tjmaxx i only spent $17, $10 of which was on a gift card. i lusted over a beautiful blue & white teapot, but it was $60 so i didn't even think about it. i am feeling proud of my willpower and am trying to look at things based a little more on needs and less on impulse!

one thing that has had me down so much lately has been my health. i feel like i have a few days of feeling okay, and then several days of crap. it's gotten me really discouraged about my "healthful lifestyle" goals b/c every time that i get geared up and start working out and eating really well for a few days, i get knocked out with something again, be it a cfs/fibro flare up, sinus infection, stomach virus, whatever. i wanted to go see my best friend in nashville today and yesterday i had just started feeling really awful by the afternoon and was running a fever that night. i spent most of today in bed or on the couch, but then got a quick burst of energy for about an hour and used it to be productive and pull some weeds in the yard. now i'm all yuck again. i think part of this has been my inconsistency with exercising and eating well--i just always want to eat comfort food when i feel sick--and for me that does not equal salads and veggie wraps!

this morning/early afternoon i had some nice relaxation though. i decided to make my obsession useful and brewed a pot of tea for my sore throat and drank it out of my pretty blue willow teacup and read over my new Tea Time magazines (from the subscription bonanza a few weeks ago...). it was quite lovely.

feelings

i'm in a strange place tonight...i think. sometimes i just feel like making a cocoon around myself or burrowing into a hole or something. nothing is wrong really, just feeling pensive and quiet.

i talked with my mom on the phone for a while tonight. we talked about my granny and her health. the doctor said he thought she had about 6 more months. i feel so strangely about all of this. i guess i'm weird in the whole family thing, b/c, with the exception of my parents, i have always felt the "family" connection more with my close friends and bible study girls than with my actual flesh-and-blood relatives. i don't know why this is. my parents have always been really big on "boundaries." they both come from pretty dysfunctional family situations, so our relationships with the extended family have really been structured, birthday & holiday type events. i'm not close to my siblings either--they are super-close to each other, but i have always tended to be on my own. i feel like a pretty even mix of my parents though. my mom and i are really close and have tons in common (especially the compulsive shopping thing...one time she bought 10 lamps in a day), and my dad and i have a really deep emotional connection that causes lots of nostalgia and tears for me when i watch movies like the little mermaid & father of the bride.

well, they are looking at a hospice facility in town for "when that time comes" it's weird how we edit ourselves when it comes to the hard topics. i like to just put everything out there and say it like it is. granny has been going through things and apparently has some jewelry that she wants me and my sister to divide up. for some reason that, more than anything else here, ellicits the feelings for me. when i was little and we would go visit my grandparents i thought they were so rich (really, my pappy was an alcoholic and they were on welfare--we called the government cheese "granny cheese"). we would visit their old farmhouse in uticah and she would make a big breakfast of biscuits and gravy, and then would scrape the scraps into an old pan and put it on the back porch for the "wild cats" that were outside--we weren't allowed to play with them. they didn't have heat in the house and there was a washing machine in the back yard...she would always give us "granny bags" before we would go home--brown paper sacks with cans of orange juice and twinkies and little toys. after i finished eating--but before everyone else did--i would excuse myself and go back into the living room where she had little tables covered with picture frames. this was exciting to me b/c, for some reason, she kept her jewelry behind these pictures. ring boxes, and necklaces, and bracelets. i always loved to sneak and look at that jewelry--it was just so beautiful. one summer after pappy died i stayed with her for a few weeks and we would watch the home shopping channel and she ordered jewelry and even called in and was on the air ordering a car set for my brother--it was so excited and glamourous! weird how our young minds perceive things.

it hurts to know that she most likely won't live to meet my children.

i don't deal well with aging and death. i feel so separated from the situations and i only really feel it when i stop and think about things in detail like tonight.

the momma bug

two nights ago i had a dream that i had a baby. i dreamed of the whole process--feeling the baby kick, labor, and breastfeeding after the baby was born. it was kind of bizarre, and has made me think about this issue a little more than usual.

patrick & i have been married for almost 3 years now so of course people (and we) are asking the question of when kids are going to come into the picture. we always said that we would start trying for a baby once we had reached the 3 years of marriage mark. now as it is looming up on us we are re-thinking it a little. (patrick has said the rule now is at 3 years we will start "talking" about when we want to start trying).

i'm going to be totally honest here even though i will sound (ok, i am being...)completely and totally selfish. i love the life that we have right now. we have been so blessed, maybe to a fault. we are so comfortable....to the point of laziness i would say. i know that ultimately, when it's time, it will be the most amazing thing in the world to have a family, but right now i can't concentrate on anything but what we will be giving up. i love that when i leave work at night i don't have to do anything. i work around the house a little, but i don't have children to feed or care for (all butch wants is some table scraps and cuddles). i can sit and watch tv or read magazines or books or listen to music, or go to bed really early. i worked my butt off through college and didn't have any spare moments to myself and now i just love having this! patrick and i have our own things that we do together and apart, and we enjoy the freedom of our schedule. there is nothing that makes me happier than a weekend with no plans. i can be productive or absolutely lazy and it doesn't really matter!

honestly, i never really relished this type of life until i got sick in '07. until that point i would constantly be doing...just anything. i could not sit and relax at all but was always looking for something else to occupy myself, and though i know i needed to learn the value of letting my body rest, i think i have taken it too far! then again, i am still struggling w/the cfs/fibro and it's effects when i do too much. i had a really scary realization two sunday's ago. i had had a good weekend and hadn't done too much but for some reason i could not fall asleep. i tossed and turned until 3 am, then slept restlessly until 5 when i woke up again, and i have never been in so much physical pain in my life. my cfs & fibro flared up f/m the lack of sleep and i couldn't move. it was so bad that the pressure from my pajamas hurt. i took a handful of pills and fell asleep until 2 the next afternoon. but then i thought, if my body reacts like this to one night of little sleep, how can i possibly care for a newborn baby and the nighttime feedings and all of that? it's just a strange place to be emotionally. i feel like i'm torn. i truly believe that my purpose in life is to be a mom, but i'm scared of these physical limitations, and of giving up my selfishness! and i think patrick will have an even more difficult time dealing with the changes and demands than i have. i honestly worry about how it will effect our relationship b/c i have traditionally been the person to do thinks around our household. i know that he will be a great father, but he is so stuck in his routine!

in addition to all of this, i have come up with a list of things that i need to do before we start actively trying for a baby (of course, if God decides that it's time before we are "ready" then obviously he knows best...)

and here they are in no particular order:
- organize and clear out the "craft room"/patrick's extra office. this room is absolutley out of control--it's pretty much our dumping ground, but of course it is the room that will be a nursery when we have a child. i just want to get rid of most of the junk!

- get in shape physicially. i am working on this but have been extra lazy this last week. i've lost 10 pounds so far, but have a good deal more to go before i'm really satisfied. i feel that if i can't do it now when i have all this time to focus on me, i'm pretty much screwed after kids! also, i'm hoping that getting more physically active and healthy will also help with my medical issues as well, and will help me to handle the demands that children will bring.

-get caught up on my scrapbooks! i am working on the summer before college right now--still 7 years behind! i know that once we have kids that will be what i want to focus on whenever i get the chance, so i better get to work!

- clear out the clutter in our house. we are packrats and have WAY too much junk and things that we don't need anymore. i want to get down to what we actually use, and a few things to keep for sentimental reasons.

- find a good church home. we have had some hardship in this area in the last few years and i really want that community! i have had great fellowship over the years with wonderful ladies in my bible studies, but as my last college group is graduating and moving on, it's time to move on and find our own place!

- figure out what we are going to do with our jobs/finances. we're in good shape right now, but i really want to be able to stay at home once we have kids. i don't know if that means taking a position just a few days a week somewhere, or trying to find something that i can do from home, or just quitting all together, but i don't want to put too much pressure on patrick and i know that we will have to go through a lifestyle change in order to live on one income rather than two that were fairly matched.

okay, so that's where i am on the mom stuff. it's just a bundle of crazy right now. but i know that God is in control, and really none of this silly stuff matters. in his timing and way it will happen.