Thursday, March 19, 2009


i'm in a strange place tonight...i think. sometimes i just feel like making a cocoon around myself or burrowing into a hole or something. nothing is wrong really, just feeling pensive and quiet.

i talked with my mom on the phone for a while tonight. we talked about my granny and her health. the doctor said he thought she had about 6 more months. i feel so strangely about all of this. i guess i'm weird in the whole family thing, b/c, with the exception of my parents, i have always felt the "family" connection more with my close friends and bible study girls than with my actual flesh-and-blood relatives. i don't know why this is. my parents have always been really big on "boundaries." they both come from pretty dysfunctional family situations, so our relationships with the extended family have really been structured, birthday & holiday type events. i'm not close to my siblings either--they are super-close to each other, but i have always tended to be on my own. i feel like a pretty even mix of my parents though. my mom and i are really close and have tons in common (especially the compulsive shopping time she bought 10 lamps in a day), and my dad and i have a really deep emotional connection that causes lots of nostalgia and tears for me when i watch movies like the little mermaid & father of the bride.

well, they are looking at a hospice facility in town for "when that time comes" it's weird how we edit ourselves when it comes to the hard topics. i like to just put everything out there and say it like it is. granny has been going through things and apparently has some jewelry that she wants me and my sister to divide up. for some reason that, more than anything else here, ellicits the feelings for me. when i was little and we would go visit my grandparents i thought they were so rich (really, my pappy was an alcoholic and they were on welfare--we called the government cheese "granny cheese"). we would visit their old farmhouse in uticah and she would make a big breakfast of biscuits and gravy, and then would scrape the scraps into an old pan and put it on the back porch for the "wild cats" that were outside--we weren't allowed to play with them. they didn't have heat in the house and there was a washing machine in the back yard...she would always give us "granny bags" before we would go home--brown paper sacks with cans of orange juice and twinkies and little toys. after i finished eating--but before everyone else did--i would excuse myself and go back into the living room where she had little tables covered with picture frames. this was exciting to me b/c, for some reason, she kept her jewelry behind these pictures. ring boxes, and necklaces, and bracelets. i always loved to sneak and look at that jewelry--it was just so beautiful. one summer after pappy died i stayed with her for a few weeks and we would watch the home shopping channel and she ordered jewelry and even called in and was on the air ordering a car set for my brother--it was so excited and glamourous! weird how our young minds perceive things.

it hurts to know that she most likely won't live to meet my children.

i don't deal well with aging and death. i feel so separated from the situations and i only really feel it when i stop and think about things in detail like tonight.

Monday, March 16, 2009


here are some pictures of the room so far:

a shot of the bed & new wall color--haven't yet decided what to hang above the bed
close-up of the bedding

my side of the room--the pictures are needlework that Patrick's grandmother did
the super cool antique table that I got at the Clothes lion--it has magazine racks on both sides and another shelf in the middle. I also got some really neat antique books from the early 1900s and late 1800s on there.

Sadly, I never got a picture of the room before--but it was a dark green and we had dark red bedding. I'm just loving how light and lovely it is now! I'm having a hard time deciding what kind of furniture to get--I can get a dresser for my valentines gift but I can't decide what kind! I have realized that I really lean towards the more mismatched antique look than a tailored set. bah. well, there's no rush!

Sunday, March 15, 2009



the momma bug

two nights ago i had a dream that i had a baby. i dreamed of the whole process--feeling the baby kick, labor, and breastfeeding after the baby was born. it was kind of bizarre, and has made me think about this issue a little more than usual.

patrick & i have been married for almost 3 years now so of course people (and we) are asking the question of when kids are going to come into the picture. we always said that we would start trying for a baby once we had reached the 3 years of marriage mark. now as it is looming up on us we are re-thinking it a little. (patrick has said the rule now is at 3 years we will start "talking" about when we want to start trying).

i'm going to be totally honest here even though i will sound (ok, i am being...)completely and totally selfish. i love the life that we have right now. we have been so blessed, maybe to a fault. we are so the point of laziness i would say. i know that ultimately, when it's time, it will be the most amazing thing in the world to have a family, but right now i can't concentrate on anything but what we will be giving up. i love that when i leave work at night i don't have to do anything. i work around the house a little, but i don't have children to feed or care for (all butch wants is some table scraps and cuddles). i can sit and watch tv or read magazines or books or listen to music, or go to bed really early. i worked my butt off through college and didn't have any spare moments to myself and now i just love having this! patrick and i have our own things that we do together and apart, and we enjoy the freedom of our schedule. there is nothing that makes me happier than a weekend with no plans. i can be productive or absolutely lazy and it doesn't really matter!

honestly, i never really relished this type of life until i got sick in '07. until that point i would constantly be doing...just anything. i could not sit and relax at all but was always looking for something else to occupy myself, and though i know i needed to learn the value of letting my body rest, i think i have taken it too far! then again, i am still struggling w/the cfs/fibro and it's effects when i do too much. i had a really scary realization two sunday's ago. i had had a good weekend and hadn't done too much but for some reason i could not fall asleep. i tossed and turned until 3 am, then slept restlessly until 5 when i woke up again, and i have never been in so much physical pain in my life. my cfs & fibro flared up f/m the lack of sleep and i couldn't move. it was so bad that the pressure from my pajamas hurt. i took a handful of pills and fell asleep until 2 the next afternoon. but then i thought, if my body reacts like this to one night of little sleep, how can i possibly care for a newborn baby and the nighttime feedings and all of that? it's just a strange place to be emotionally. i feel like i'm torn. i truly believe that my purpose in life is to be a mom, but i'm scared of these physical limitations, and of giving up my selfishness! and i think patrick will have an even more difficult time dealing with the changes and demands than i have. i honestly worry about how it will effect our relationship b/c i have traditionally been the person to do thinks around our household. i know that he will be a great father, but he is so stuck in his routine!

in addition to all of this, i have come up with a list of things that i need to do before we start actively trying for a baby (of course, if God decides that it's time before we are "ready" then obviously he knows best...)

and here they are in no particular order:
- organize and clear out the "craft room"/patrick's extra office. this room is absolutley out of control--it's pretty much our dumping ground, but of course it is the room that will be a nursery when we have a child. i just want to get rid of most of the junk!

- get in shape physicially. i am working on this but have been extra lazy this last week. i've lost 10 pounds so far, but have a good deal more to go before i'm really satisfied. i feel that if i can't do it now when i have all this time to focus on me, i'm pretty much screwed after kids! also, i'm hoping that getting more physically active and healthy will also help with my medical issues as well, and will help me to handle the demands that children will bring.

-get caught up on my scrapbooks! i am working on the summer before college right now--still 7 years behind! i know that once we have kids that will be what i want to focus on whenever i get the chance, so i better get to work!

- clear out the clutter in our house. we are packrats and have WAY too much junk and things that we don't need anymore. i want to get down to what we actually use, and a few things to keep for sentimental reasons.

- find a good church home. we have had some hardship in this area in the last few years and i really want that community! i have had great fellowship over the years with wonderful ladies in my bible studies, but as my last college group is graduating and moving on, it's time to move on and find our own place!

- figure out what we are going to do with our jobs/finances. we're in good shape right now, but i really want to be able to stay at home once we have kids. i don't know if that means taking a position just a few days a week somewhere, or trying to find something that i can do from home, or just quitting all together, but i don't want to put too much pressure on patrick and i know that we will have to go through a lifestyle change in order to live on one income rather than two that were fairly matched.

okay, so that's where i am on the mom stuff. it's just a bundle of crazy right now. but i know that God is in control, and really none of this silly stuff matters. in his timing and way it will happen.

Monday, March 9, 2009

being productive

I have decided that I waste WAY too much time. I love TV. this is not a secret. I also love playing games online. this is a much bigger time waster as I cannot multitask. This weekend I made a pact with myself not to waste time....and i DIDN'T!! YAY! I finally bought new bedding and after much arguing, convinced Patrick to let me paint our bedroom. If you know him you know that he is an 80 year old in a 30 year old body--but he's really 25 ;) (on a side note, I am very depressed about aging as we are so young, yet have had to start anti-aging rituals every night. I have wrinkles and have started using eye cream and wrinkle serum. :(. ) but back to Patrick--he is extremely set in his ways to be so young. He does not like change of any kind, even if it won't directly effect him at all. He has not wanted to make any changes to our bedroom since we bought this house. We never painted or even bought furniture--we just make do with a lot of hand-me-downs, but that's okay with me. I hated our room color though. It was this avacado-ish green, and I don't like green anyway (btw...he is yelling sports stats at me right now--he's really upset about Central being out of the regional tournament...just nod and offer sympathy) well, i've wanted to make our room pretty and light and relaxing, so when I found some bedding that I love at TJ MAXX (3 pillows, comfortor, and shams for less than $100) I decided to set it into motion. I put the bed together while he was gone and then called him to prepare him for the change before he got home. Then while he was at work on Friday I called him to try to convince him to let me paint, and I finally wore him down. the conditions: I had to do it myself and it had to be done while he was gone at games over the weekend. So I rushed and picked the color and got the whole room primed and painted by 7 on Saturday night! I will post pics soon, but my camera battery is dead. So, to make a long story short, I am super excited about our bedroom and also about finally getting something done on a weekend! Of course I've wasted tonight on the computer and watching DWTS...but I did make peanut butter cookies for a co-worker's birthday.

Work is drama and I don't want to go back.

Wow, this was really long and rambling....oh well