tonight was a much-needed great night. our dear friend stephen is in town for a few weeks and we just had him over for pizza and hanging out for about 4 hours. he is getting married in less than a month and it was so great to see him and just talk about everything in our lives. the great thing is that since he is such an old friend for both of us, patrick really feels comfortable opening up to him and we were able to be open about things that we haven't really talked about with other people--we joked that he was being a counselor for us. it was just wonderful to have this kind of fellowship--but it makes me want it more consistently and i'm not sure where to find it! these kinds of relationships can't just be fabricated, but prayerfully we will find more people that we can connect with together.
i'm trying to trust God with everything--the kid stuff, health, our walks with Him, everything. it's hard, but that's life i guess.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
limits
today was kinda hard. last night i was feeling really bad--nothing huge, just my body being worn down at the end of a busy week (sad that for me a 'busy week" is working 4 full days and being slightly active at night.) Well, i took some of my nighttime tylenol cough & sore throat meds ("blue medicine" as i lovingly refer to it)...and i didn't wake up until 12:30 this afternoon! i felt a little discouraged to have slept most of the day away, but i guess my body needed it. then at 2 i had to go see my doctor for a routine follow up visit for my cfs. i LOVE my doctor--he is very personable and takes time to relate to you and answer questions that you have. working in a medical office, i know that this is a rare and valuable trait in a doc! we talked about how i've been doing...the past few weeks have been rough, and he gave me the slightly disappointing news that he thinks i'm "about where [i'm] going to be in terms of [my] progress" in other words...he doesn't expect me to improve more than I have thus far. i do pretty well compared to a lot of people with this condition. i mean, i can keep a steady job and maintain a pretty active lifestyle, but i am always worn out and in pain by the end of the week. i definitely do better when i am exercising regularly and eating well, so i guess that just has to be even more of a focus now.
then we talked about children. as you all know, patrick & i have been discussing the prospect of having kids, so i wanted to get my doc's opinion on the whole topic. the good news: he doesn't think that my stomach scar is going to be an issue. he said that it will probably move up, and after i have a baby that i won't like it b/c when it stretches it will not go back down, but it shouldn't be too much of a discomfort or anything like that. the not so good news: basically he just told me what i already figured, but he thinks that it is not realistic for me to try to work and raise a child, and he insinuated that we may not need to have more than one. as a parent, he was definitely encouraging me not to deprive myself of the joy of having a child, but he wants me to be very careful and realistic and "remove as many possible external stressors in [my] life as possible before trying to have a baby" i.e.: i shouldn't expect to work and parent and still be able to function.
patrick and i talked about the whole thing tonight before he went to film a game and we're just trying to realisticly figure out what to do. for sure we aren't going to actively try to get preganant for at least another year, probably longer. financially we're going to continue to try to cut back and put more towards the house so that we can decrease that financial stress as much as possible. then i'm going to try to look into ways to work part time or from home or something to help when it comes to that time. then he said the hardest thing--we may just be able to have one child. ultimately, we will be thankful for whatever God gives us--even if we end up only being able to have bulldogs ;)--but that thought just breaks my heart. i mean, we already have names picked out for a boy and a girl...but again, it's in God's hands.
i am consistently reminded of a time in our pre-marital counseling with Richard Carwile when we were talking about the future. i was telling him how our plans were to start having kids at about 3 years into our marriage, and then to have 3 kids, each 3 years apart. i thought it was just a very basic simple plan and he kinda smirked and made a comment about how plans don't always work out. i thought "why wouldn't this work out--that's very realistic?" well, as they always say, God's plans are different than our own, no matter how much it makes sense to us. prayerfully, we will use this change in our plans for the future to give glory to God, and to put our trust in Him rather than ourselves.
then we talked about children. as you all know, patrick & i have been discussing the prospect of having kids, so i wanted to get my doc's opinion on the whole topic. the good news: he doesn't think that my stomach scar is going to be an issue. he said that it will probably move up, and after i have a baby that i won't like it b/c when it stretches it will not go back down, but it shouldn't be too much of a discomfort or anything like that. the not so good news: basically he just told me what i already figured, but he thinks that it is not realistic for me to try to work and raise a child, and he insinuated that we may not need to have more than one. as a parent, he was definitely encouraging me not to deprive myself of the joy of having a child, but he wants me to be very careful and realistic and "remove as many possible external stressors in [my] life as possible before trying to have a baby" i.e.: i shouldn't expect to work and parent and still be able to function.
patrick and i talked about the whole thing tonight before he went to film a game and we're just trying to realisticly figure out what to do. for sure we aren't going to actively try to get preganant for at least another year, probably longer. financially we're going to continue to try to cut back and put more towards the house so that we can decrease that financial stress as much as possible. then i'm going to try to look into ways to work part time or from home or something to help when it comes to that time. then he said the hardest thing--we may just be able to have one child. ultimately, we will be thankful for whatever God gives us--even if we end up only being able to have bulldogs ;)--but that thought just breaks my heart. i mean, we already have names picked out for a boy and a girl...but again, it's in God's hands.
i am consistently reminded of a time in our pre-marital counseling with Richard Carwile when we were talking about the future. i was telling him how our plans were to start having kids at about 3 years into our marriage, and then to have 3 kids, each 3 years apart. i thought it was just a very basic simple plan and he kinda smirked and made a comment about how plans don't always work out. i thought "why wouldn't this work out--that's very realistic?" well, as they always say, God's plans are different than our own, no matter how much it makes sense to us. prayerfully, we will use this change in our plans for the future to give glory to God, and to put our trust in Him rather than ourselves.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
i just want to scream!!!! i am sick again. it seems unending. started with a cfs flare up after too much yard work on saturday and not enough sleep. then a stupid stomach virus. i keep thinking that i feel better and then try to eat a little and then feel awful again. i've missed two days of work and am dreading the pile up that is sure to have accumulated. i'm going back tomorrow regardless b/c i'm going crazy from being in this house! i just get so discouraged when this happens. i have all these things that i want to do and accomplish and i feel stuck--trapped b/c of this stupid broken body.
Friday, April 10, 2009
SO EXCITED!!!!!
Patrick and I FINALLY got together to talk about our upcoming trip to Florida for our friend Stephen's wedding in Orlando. We are going over Labor Day weekend and have been lightly discussing plans for a while but wavering on how long to stay/what to do there, etc... Since this is also right before our 3 year anniversary we decided that it would be out anniversary celebration/gift to each other. We initially looked at going back to disney or universal studios but with the crapload of money that we've had to spend on his car & taxes recently we've wanted to really put money towards what we will really care about. Neither of us really like to have a lot scheduled for vacations--we just want to relax! I have been trying to persuade him to go to the beach for a while (specifically Daytona Beach and the El Caribe hotel) but he has always been so resistant. Last night I dreamt that we were there and it was so wonderful...
So here is the deal with Daytona. For my parent's job on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ we would go away all summer for state-side summer projects--basically short-term missions/spiritual growth trips for college students. Each staff member would get a placement every summer for their jobs where they would be in charge of leading Bible studies, hosting talks, organizing evangelism outreaches, and generally overseeing the large group of college students who go on these projects. As a child we had 3 projects that we went on multiple times: Branson Missouri (2 or 3 years), Fort Collins Colorado (3 or 4 years, and mom and dad went every other year for staff training), and...the best of all...Daytona beach! ahh...So many summers of my childhood were spent there. We lived for several months in the El Caribe Hotel right on the beach...we would literally walk out of our room and down the sidewalk and be on the beach. Ironically though, we spend lots of those days inside enjoying the wonder of cable television and our friend's Nintendo 64!
me (in red) with mark bouchillon, lauren rasnake, and brooke at the El Caribe pool
The best thing about this project was the Chute family--Earle & Cara Chute were the director's of my parent's first staff team at ETSU and we lived there when I was born. (I still call them Uncle Earle & Aunt Cara). Over all the years of summer projects & Christmas & Staff conferences we were extremely close. Their oldest daughter Brooke was one of my best friends--we are almost exactly 9 months apart. Their middle child Austin is 5 days younger than my sister, and their youngest, Rachel, is 2 days older than my brother James. Of course we always tried to pair the younger kids up. The Chutes are the directors of the Daytona project, so they live at the El Caribe literally every summer, and go there throughout the year as well.
I have this weird thing about things that meant a lot to me during my childhood--when I was little I always dreamed of sharing the really important things with someone that I was in love with--of course it seemed really impossible because they all were places that were far away. Patrick got to come to Fort Collins to visit my family a few years before we got married, but I have always wanted us to go Daytona together--and really never saw it as a possibility. That place has been so important in my life that I literally dream about it once a week. I have so many memories there and, to me, being able to share places that have meant so much to me in my past feels like I am incorporating Patrick into every bit of who I am.
Well, you have probably guessed it by now, but we are going to spend one or two nights in Orlando, and then the rest of our time in Daytona at the El Caribe!!!!! I am so excited I can't even believe it--and a huge bonus is that the summer project will be starting while we are there so Patrick will get to meet the Chutes! (they couldn't make it to our wedding so this will be the first time) I am just so thrilled--there is nothing I like more than a beach vacation--just relaxing in the sand....ahhh, it's heaven! Another plus--that area tends to have a lot of families and tourists at that time so there aren't so many skinny little beach bunnies, and the summer project girls all have to wear one-piece swimsuits ;)
I can't wait to go--now to focus on theweight loss so I can feel good on the beach!
So here is the deal with Daytona. For my parent's job on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ we would go away all summer for state-side summer projects--basically short-term missions/spiritual growth trips for college students. Each staff member would get a placement every summer for their jobs where they would be in charge of leading Bible studies, hosting talks, organizing evangelism outreaches, and generally overseeing the large group of college students who go on these projects. As a child we had 3 projects that we went on multiple times: Branson Missouri (2 or 3 years), Fort Collins Colorado (3 or 4 years, and mom and dad went every other year for staff training), and...the best of all...Daytona beach! ahh...So many summers of my childhood were spent there. We lived for several months in the El Caribe Hotel right on the beach...we would literally walk out of our room and down the sidewalk and be on the beach. Ironically though, we spend lots of those days inside enjoying the wonder of cable television and our friend's Nintendo 64!
me (in red) with mark bouchillon, lauren rasnake, and brooke at the El Caribe poolI have this weird thing about things that meant a lot to me during my childhood--when I was little I always dreamed of sharing the really important things with someone that I was in love with--of course it seemed really impossible because they all were places that were far away. Patrick got to come to Fort Collins to visit my family a few years before we got married, but I have always wanted us to go Daytona together--and really never saw it as a possibility. That place has been so important in my life that I literally dream about it once a week. I have so many memories there and, to me, being able to share places that have meant so much to me in my past feels like I am incorporating Patrick into every bit of who I am.
Well, you have probably guessed it by now, but we are going to spend one or two nights in Orlando, and then the rest of our time in Daytona at the El Caribe!!!!! I am so excited I can't even believe it--and a huge bonus is that the summer project will be starting while we are there so Patrick will get to meet the Chutes! (they couldn't make it to our wedding so this will be the first time) I am just so thrilled--there is nothing I like more than a beach vacation--just relaxing in the sand....ahhh, it's heaven! Another plus--that area tends to have a lot of families and tourists at that time so there aren't so many skinny little beach bunnies, and the summer project girls all have to wear one-piece swimsuits ;)
I can't wait to go--now to focus on theweight loss so I can feel good on the beach!
Friday, April 3, 2009
i have been in a weird funk for the past few weeks, but i'm not sure why...some of it has to do with my inconsistency with taking my pills over the weekends i'm sure. i don't like to be dependent on them. bah.
after that night when i freaked out and subscribed to all those magazines i have been working hared at not spending money. i didn't go to any store but the grocery for a few weeks, and this week i ventured out to my mecca--the consignment shops on broadway and the bypass, and tjmaxx...but i am so proud of myself! at grandma's attic (where i dropped off 4 boxes of stuff to sell) i got a lovely little teapot, but i had $1.75 on my account from sales and then the owner gave it to me for half price anyway, so it was practically free! then at the clothes lion i bought nothing, and was paid $5 for my consignments! at tjmaxx i only spent $17, $10 of which was on a gift card. i lusted over a beautiful blue & white teapot, but it was $60 so i didn't even think about it. i am feeling proud of my willpower and am trying to look at things based a little more on needs and less on impulse!
one thing that has had me down so much lately has been my health. i feel like i have a few days of feeling okay, and then several days of crap. it's gotten me really discouraged about my "healthful lifestyle" goals b/c every time that i get geared up and start working out and eating really well for a few days, i get knocked out with something again, be it a cfs/fibro flare up, sinus infection, stomach virus, whatever. i wanted to go see my best friend in nashville today and yesterday i had just started feeling really awful by the afternoon and was running a fever that night. i spent most of today in bed or on the couch, but then got a quick burst of energy for about an hour and used it to be productive and pull some weeds in the yard. now i'm all yuck again. i think part of this has been my inconsistency with exercising and eating well--i just always want to eat comfort food when i feel sick--and for me that does not equal salads and veggie wraps!
this morning/early afternoon i had some nice relaxation though. i decided to make my obsession useful and brewed a pot of tea for my sore throat and drank it out of my pretty blue willow teacup and read over my new Tea Time magazines (from the subscription bonanza a few weeks ago...). it was quite lovely.
after that night when i freaked out and subscribed to all those magazines i have been working hared at not spending money. i didn't go to any store but the grocery for a few weeks, and this week i ventured out to my mecca--the consignment shops on broadway and the bypass, and tjmaxx...but i am so proud of myself! at grandma's attic (where i dropped off 4 boxes of stuff to sell) i got a lovely little teapot, but i had $1.75 on my account from sales and then the owner gave it to me for half price anyway, so it was practically free! then at the clothes lion i bought nothing, and was paid $5 for my consignments! at tjmaxx i only spent $17, $10 of which was on a gift card. i lusted over a beautiful blue & white teapot, but it was $60 so i didn't even think about it. i am feeling proud of my willpower and am trying to look at things based a little more on needs and less on impulse!
one thing that has had me down so much lately has been my health. i feel like i have a few days of feeling okay, and then several days of crap. it's gotten me really discouraged about my "healthful lifestyle" goals b/c every time that i get geared up and start working out and eating really well for a few days, i get knocked out with something again, be it a cfs/fibro flare up, sinus infection, stomach virus, whatever. i wanted to go see my best friend in nashville today and yesterday i had just started feeling really awful by the afternoon and was running a fever that night. i spent most of today in bed or on the couch, but then got a quick burst of energy for about an hour and used it to be productive and pull some weeds in the yard. now i'm all yuck again. i think part of this has been my inconsistency with exercising and eating well--i just always want to eat comfort food when i feel sick--and for me that does not equal salads and veggie wraps!
this morning/early afternoon i had some nice relaxation though. i decided to make my obsession useful and brewed a pot of tea for my sore throat and drank it out of my pretty blue willow teacup and read over my new Tea Time magazines (from the subscription bonanza a few weeks ago...). it was quite lovely.
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