Wednesday, October 13, 2010

What it feels like to be sick...

I got an email today from a fellow food blogger who also deals with a chronic illness and she mentioned something that I haven't heard of before--the "spoon theory"--as a way to explain how it feels to people in your life.  I googled it and ran across this video which brought me to tears.

Watch it first, then we'll talk about it ;)

Okay--I'm not looking for sympathy here.  I don't have Lupus or cancer or anything life-threatening and I've adapted to having CFS & Fibro over the past 3 years so I function pretty well.  I can get ready in the morning easily at this point, (though I won't lie, when I first got sick I had to rest after taking a shower...)  My problems won't kill me.  I can keep going, just at a slower pace.

But I have to think about my "spoons" regularly.  Even mental focus while I'm sitting takes something out of me and after a meeting I'm tired with a sore throat and swollen lymph nodes.  For the past two weekends I have done too much around the house so that by Sunday I am too sore & exhausted to do anything.  I have to plan my days carefully and take time to rest between things--or know that if I don't I will need a day of doing nothing to deal with the repercussions.  I feel guilty that I sleep in till 9 now that I quit my job and am doing part time work with CRU, but if I don't get that sleep the day starts off with pain.  And regularly sleeping a few hours later and being balanced is a lot better than before when I was getting up early and overdoing it through the week and then hibernating all weekend!  Things are SO much better now that I have more time to rest and am doing what I am passionate about, but I still have bad days and even weeks.  On good days I question myself--"Is this all in my head?"  "Am I just not pushing myself enough?" "Am I just lazy?"  On bad days I thank God for a tangible sign that I'm not just crazy--swollen lymph nodes & a fever.  This is just life now.  It is still a good life and I've learned a lot--specifically about resting in the Lord and trusting Him to provide--but its a different life than I had imagined for myself.

Thanks for caring enough to read this!


  1. This is an excellent way to demonstrate how you feel. I think, while I have always been sympathetic, I have never really understood how difficult it is to function on a daily basis. I am sad that this is a constant struggle for you, but I am proud of you for sharing this with those that love you. I care, and I will always be here if you need me. I love you very much my precious friend.

  2. I love you dear and am happy that you have more time to rest now. I am still in the camp that while this may not go away forever it will get better as your body has time to heal and rest!

  3. What makes you so lovable is that you sacrifice your spoons for friends in need. Thanks for always doing that for me! LOOOOOOOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!